How to write an obituary

An obituary does two jobs: it tells people someone has died and when the service is, and it says something true about who they were. Most of the difficulty comes from trying to do the second job in the voice of the first.

You do not have to be a writer. Write it as though you were telling a friend about them, then tidy it up.

The information people need

Whatever else you write, these are the facts readers are looking for:

• Their full name, and the name people actually called them
• Their age, or their dates
• Where they lived
• When and where the service is — or that details will follow
• Who survives them, and who died before them
• Where donations should go, if the family has asked for them

A structure that works

Open with the fact. "Margaret Anne Whitfield, known to everyone as Peggy, died at home on 19 June, aged 85." Plain is better than poetic here.

Then the life, roughly in order. Where they came from, who they married, what they did, where they raised their family.

Then who they were. This is the part people remember, and it comes from specifics. "She kept bees" tells you more than "she loved nature". One concrete habit beats three adjectives.

Then the family. Survived by, predeceased by. Check the names and spellings with someone else.

Then the practical details. Service, donations, anything the family wants people to know.

Phrases worth avoiding

These appear in almost every obituary, and families often wince at them later:

• "Lost their battle with…" — illness is not a fight someone loses by not trying hard enough
• "Passed away peacefully" when it was not peaceful — you are allowed to just say died
• "Will be sorely missed by all who knew them" — true of everyone, so it says nothing
• "Gained their wings" or "is in a better place" — fine if it is your family's belief, jarring if it is not

How long?

Newspapers charge by the line, which is why obituaries are traditionally short. Online there is no limit, and most families end up somewhere between 300 and 600 words.

If you are writing both, write the long one first and cut it down. Cutting is much easier than expanding.

If you are stuck

Answer these out loud, and write down what you say: Where did they grow up? Who were their people? What did they do all day? What did they love? What is the one story you would tell someone who never met them?

That last question usually produces the best paragraph in the piece.

RememberedBy has a writing assistant that turns those answers into a first draft you can then change however you like — it never publishes anything without you.

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